Phan- I love my Lion
by jutachu
Summary: Dan confesses his romantic feelings to Phil in a form of a letter. No smut. Some harsh language because well..Dan is Dan. :D I finished this at 3am so there might be some weird sentences etc but I will read this through and correct those possible mistakes when I wake up lol


Dan walked slowly towards the room of his roommate, Phil. Well, he was more than that. To Dan, at least.

He and Phil had been best friends for years and Dan would never want to lose what he and Phil had. The trust, fun and beauty in their relationship was so much more than Dan could have ever asked for. Well, that was the deal at first. Then that thing happened. You know, falling in _probably one-sided_ love with your best friend. It's nothing new or weird, really, that stuff seems to happen all the time to people. Dan knew that. So many people always shared their stories on the internet and the results seemed to be kind of fifty-fifty. It could become something amazingly beautiful between two people. It could be talked trough and even if the other person didn't feel the same way, they would continue as they were. Or… it could go horribly wrong and destroy everything and-

Well, it may not be so hard to guess which one of those thoughts crossed Dan's mind every freaking time he was going to confess and made him back up.

But not this time.

This time Dan had managed to pull together a letter, explaining his feelings towards the older boy. He never had the courage to tell thing to Phil face to face, so letter should be fine. It wasn't easy to write and well, let's say that there is a proof of that on Dan's now almost full paper bin. Who could blame him though, would anyone want to mess up such an important thing? The final one wasn't "perfect" either, but it was totally honest and pleased Dan the most so it would do.

Dan took the last steps he needed to before he stopped at Phil's room. After taking few deep breaths, he bent down and slid the envelope to the other side of the door.

The brown-haired boy sighed and slowly sat to the floor, closing his eyes while leaning his back to the wall. Dan kept repeating the sentences of the said letter in his mind since he remembered every one of them due to many failed attempts before.

"Dear Phil,

Hi.

Uh okay this is so awkward and I didn't know how I should even start this letter but to be honest I don't have balls to tell all of this into your face so bear with me ahahaha... oh god I should go to the point already.

So, first of all, I want to thank you. I don't know how well I have told you how you helped me to go through so much in my professional-, but also in a personal life. You know how I always feel anxiety when putting up a new Danisnotonfire- video since I still aren't invincible to my insecurities. You know how I use to roll into my cover and become a human-sushi roll when the video has uploaded and I wait for people to comment.

You always try to cheer me up if I get attacked on Twitter for no reason by some assholes or if my favourite character dies in a TV-show. Once you even left my cereals almost fully uneaten because I got off on a wrong foot and felt bad for no reason the whole day. You did snack them a lot the previous day though so there wasn't enough to fill the bowl. I yelled at you because of that and I'm sorry. I was sorry at that afternoon too and you just smiled and said it was okay since it was 'all your fault.' You even bought me two boxes of my favourite cereal as an apology and even though you ended up eating at least half of them, I was moved.

There is so much to tell you about and yet here I am, writing a novel about cereal. Way to go Dan, ughh.

Okay, I'm trying to go to the point but you know me, I start to go side tracks when I'm nervous and well now I'm doing it again, see? Like, just now. Okay I promise that I will say it now. Just now. I promise. The following sentence will be it. I promise. OKAY SHIT I MESSED THAT UP ALREADY BUT HERE IT COMES:

I love you. I love you, Phil. I know that you love me too but I do not know if it's the same kind of love as mine. You are so much more to me than just a best friend. I have romantic feelings towards you and I simply can't be silent about them anymore. I want to hold you, kiss you, sleep with you and whisper good night wishes to you while brushing my fingers through your beautiful black hair. I want to wake up next to you, hold hands when we go shopping and cuddle on the sofa while watching Sherlock. I want to feel your skin on mine. I want to make you happy and give you all the love you deserve. The list could just go on and on but I guess it would be little disturbing to you if you wouldn't have those kind of feelings. You know what I mean.

When I first discovered these feelings of mine, I was shocked. I have always been unsure about my sexuality since I really don't feel like the gender matters when it comes to the person you love. But, as a scared teenager, you don't always have the courage to admit your feelings to yourself. I never fell for any dudes though so I assumed I was just overthinking the whole sexuality thing. Until you came to my life.

I know this might sound made up and cheesy af but I fell for you on the first sight. The eye contact we shared when I met you at the train station for the first time, flipped my whole world upside down. I just didn't fully realize it at first. It took me months, a year to understand how much more you meant to me.

You give so much positivity and good to everyone around you, and I honestly can't think a single reason not to love Philip Michael Lester.

Philly.

Lion.

You know how much regrets I have had in this messed up but still so awesome life of mine. You know since I have told you all of them. There's only one regret I have that I didn't tell you about. It's the biggest and most painful so far and if I could, I would turn back time and tell you everything sooner. Well, technically I did tell you already while writing this but what I mean is, sooner than that. Sooner than today.

When it wasn't already too late.

Before the drunken man made it impossible for you to ever come back home from the little shop few minutes away from us.

You were passing the road and it was dark. Of course it was dark, it was a late Saturday night already. I was complaining to you because I wanted some ice cream and as a wonderful human being, you went to buy me some. It didn't bother you, at least you said so. And I know that you didn't lie.

I saw your body. Your eyes were closed, but I still felt how the life was taken away from them. Your lips were a little apart, a hint of blue colour covering them. Your hands were placed on your chest, making you look like you were in a deep, beautiful sleep. But your chest didn't raise as no breath was going in or out to your body. It was a shell in an open coffin. There was no Phil there anymore. I knew that.

I knew that, but I couldn't help but to take your cold hand onto mine and cry out loud.

Your mom tried to cheer me up but she was just as broken as I was. Your dad patted my shoulder while taking your mom in to a warmest hug ever. He had lost his son, his ray of light, but tried to keep strong for us. I know that you would have done the same thing.

Phil, I can't keep on going like this. It's been half a year already but I can't move on. There isn't any light in my life without my Phil. If there isn't any light in your life, why would you keep on living?

I tried to stay strong, please believe me Philly. I really tried. But I can't. I need to see you. I need to be with you and while my body keeps living on this planet, it's not possible. I took the pills. The ones I kept on my nightstand to help me sleep when I had the worst nightmares and you weren't there to comfort me. I know that you wouldn't want me to do this. I know you want me to keep on living, but I can't. Please, don't ever blame yourself about this. You have never, ever done anything negative to me and this is my own decision.

It won't hurt. I will fall asleep and drift into the most beautiful dream ever. Dream, where we can hopefully be together at least. No pain, no fear. Love.

So, I must go now.

We will meet soon.

Yours forever,

Dan xxx


End file.
